If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
