Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize