the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
