literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
