why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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