My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
These tits shall not be calmed
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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