dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
