I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
me + whiskey = a bad person
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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