Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
