hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
