1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
