I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize