youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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