you turned your livingroom into a bong?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
