My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
