the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
