Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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