M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
