Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
