whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
