I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
