I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
