She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize