heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
