if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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