just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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