I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
