omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
