dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I am spending my child support on dildos
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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