Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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