i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize