im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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