mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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