He asked to "fluff my boner.."
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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