I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
