Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We left the knife in your bed.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
