Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
