omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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