so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I could fuck to npr.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
