She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
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