my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
