i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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