I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
