i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
