i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
