my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
