How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
