You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
