So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
