The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
