I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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