My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
