And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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