dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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