I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
