I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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