my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
