He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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